We’ve been holding this news for so long! Zak and I are incredibly excited to announce that we’re expecting a baby in early December 2018! Here’s the thing, though, not only have I been waiting to share this since the day the test turned positive on March 27, 2018, I’ve been waiting since we started trying a year ago. This last year was not an easy one for me.
There is nothing anyone can say to someone to soothe the anxiety that goes along with struggles with fertility. To me, it feels like the most deeply personal and sensitive subject there is. To make matters more difficult, it felt like everyone else around me was getting pregnant. At one point, I had to stop going on social media because every time I opened it, someone else seemed to be sharing their news. Don’t get me wrong, I was so excited for those people, but it also felt like a punch in the gut, a constant reminder of what I didn’t have but so desperately wanted.
As each month passed, I became more and more worried that maybe there was something wrong with me. And then I made myself feel worse because I felt guilty for having those feelings. I knew there were women out there who had been trying for years to get pregnant. Who was I to be worried that it hadn’t happened after a handful of months? No one talks about how grueling this process can be on your emotions.
There was only one thing that helped me through it all: faith that what was meant to happen would happen. Our baby would come to us exactly when he or she was supposed to.
On a particularly hard day, I was with my mom. I was completely frustrated and broke down in tears. She held me like her little girl, and I’ll never forget what she said to me. She said, “When you look at your baby for the first time, you’re going to know that he/she is the one you were praying for. You’ll say, ‘you were worth the wait.’”
A little bit of background for those of you going through your own fertility struggles and/or you just want some details. My doctor determined back in November that I was not ovulating. Before putting me on any medication to get me ovulating, my doctor suggested that Zak get his sperm tested because it would be silly to take a medicine (that’s not without its risks) if there was a problem there. Zak was a real trooper about it. He described to me how he marched into the office, made eye contact with as few people as possible, did his thing, put the cup on the collection tray, and made even less eye contact with people on his way out. Everything with him was “fabulous,” as the doctor said when we got his results back.
So, it was a me problem. Cue the shame. To stimulate ovulation, my doctor put me on the lowest dose of Clomid (50 mg). It didn’t work; I didn’t ovulate. The next month she upped the dose (100 mg) and I ovulated, but got a negative pregnancy test. The same thing happened the following month. We decided I would try one more round of the 100 mg of Clomid, and if it didn’t work, we would start to look into going to a fertility specialist.
After months of negative tests, I had set myself up to expect another one. I had all these reasons lined up in my head of why it wouldn’t happen again. We had a massive family crisis happen early in the month; I traveled to Denver for my best friend’s bachelorette party; I allowed myself to indulge in a few drinks (and when I say a few, I mean like two because I have forever had the the tolerance of a first-timer); I caught a really bad virus from travelling that resulted in several days of missed work. I thought if it hadn’t happened during a “normal” month, it definitely wasn’t going to happen this month.
*This is a perfect place to mention how big of a role stress plays in this process. I finally let go a little bit (maybe not in the most positive way) by resigning myself to the fact that I wasn’t going to get pregnant that month. When I did that, I gave my body a chance to actually focus on producing sex hormones instead of stress hormones.*
Anyways, I decided I would wait until the day after I knew I was due for my period to test because I didn’t want to mess around with a false negative.
When it came time to take the test, I couldn’t even look at it (although I did take a little peek after just a few seconds and thought I saw a line emerging). I made Zak go into the bathroom to tell me the results. Zak, in an almost comical matter-of-fact way, walked out of the bathroom and said, “You’re pregnant.” I ran into the bathroom, practically knocking Zak over, needing to see it with my own eyes. Even though the test was undeniably positive, I needed more evidence.
The pack of tests I bought had a traditional test and a digital test, so immediately I took the digital one. A very simple “Yes” popped up on the screen immediately. I thought I would weep when this moment finally happened, but there were no tears, just pure joy (and a bit of shock). I proceeded to pee on so many more sticks. because (1) I couldn’t believe it and (2) watching them turn positive made me positively giddy. It felt like I had magic powers! I was in the dollar store later that week and picked up a $1 test for kicks. Fun fact: it actually worked!
There were also some blood draws that happened immediately after my positive test. I had one right after the positive test and then again three days later and then again three days after that. She wanted to make sure my HCG levels were rising at a steady rate, and they were. I love my doctor; she’s super diligent and wanted to make sure everything looked good after all the energy we put into trying.
Yes, this process definitely did not go as I expected. And yes, it was really difficult at times. But would I change it? Not a chance. I feel blessed every single day, not just for the baby, and Zak, and my support system, but for the journey. This baby will get to know how much he or she was wanted and is wanted every day of his or her life.
Baby K has been so good to me during my pregnancy so far. I’ll post a first trimester update soon, but for now I’ll leave you with this:
If you’re struggling, I know there’s nothing I can say that will make you feel better–believe me, I’ve been there–but have faith. Like my mom told me, one day you’ll be able to look at your child and say, “you were worth the wait.”
Ruched Black Dress // Wearing a size small, but bought it pre-pregnancy. I would size up now to give a little more room to grow.